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+ reminds you that each day is a gift, and that most gifts are disappointing.

says sarcasm is the language of loathe.

says children are the future. The future looks grim. Therefore children look grim.

says true love cannot be bought, but fake love can be and it feels just as good.

says charity is the best way to let others know you have more money than them.

says we can all do better, but why bother?

says treat everybody well except the assholes.

says defeat is not an option; it is an inevitability.

says the grass is always greener where the dog took a shit.

says dream big: take sleeping pills.

says when people say "a little goes a long way," sometimes they are talking about you.

says have faith, because you can't have money.

says tolerance is easiest to achieve when there is nobody around to tolerate.

says failure is just a minor setback on the pathway to bigger failure.

If you can't take some time for yourself today, be sure to take up a lot of somebody else's.

says the world is bound together with love; love is bound together with jealousy and fear.

says when you give your permission to succeed, you can deny that you gave yourself that permission later when you fail.

says we touch the lives of every person we meet; we can also touch their tushies.

says that which doesn't kill you just leaves you very, very sick.

says everybody is somebody special to somebody who is probably a nobody.

says when you march to the beat of your drummer you look like an idiot on the dance floor.

says that which doesn't kill you only makes you stronger and leaves you with a shitload of medical bills.

says you look better naked than you think, but you should probably still keep the lights off when you screw.

says don't take things for granted - just take them and then run like hell.

says the present is filled with adults who used to be the children that would one day be the future.

says you deserve better, but you'll probably end up with more of the same.

says you can have it all, just not all at once, and not if it costs more than twenty dollars.

says if we pull together, we can get through anything. And if we pull together over and over, we can all have a huge orgasm.

says if ignorance were really bliss, the idiots you know would be a lot happier.

says if you focus on a part of your body that you feel really good about, you will eventually find a flaw.

says every problem has a solution, and that solution is booze. says if you don't like what you see in the mirror, run the hot water until it fogs up. Problem solved.

says everybody's great at something but most people die before they figure out what it is.

knows you're NOT better than that.

says even though today might be tough, feel better because tomorrow will probably be worse.

+ says you are never too young to teach, nor too old to learn. But you're the perfect age to tell everybody they don't know shit.

reassures you that you are normal, which doesn't speak well for normalcy.

says don't worry - death is just the next step in a never-ending journey of disappointment, pain, and really long lines. (ala-ala)

says just because you tolerate somebody different than you doesn't mean you can't still find them totally disgusting.

says your dreams aren't stupid; you're just stupid to dream them.

says your baby isn't that cute.

reminds you that nothing is ever anybody's fault.

says life begins at conception; death begins at exactly the same time.

says when you always look on the bright side of things, you dramatically increase your risk of going blind.

believes you can do it!!! As long as "it" is really, really easy.

Reply Retweet Favorite · Open says there's an entire universe within you, which may explain your weight problem.

says death is not the end. It's just the end of you.

says money is only a tool, just as oxygen is only a chemical element.

says marriage is a sacred union between husband and