Sayan Basu
10/27/2014
English 1011
The Effect of Upbringing on Relationships
Relationships are a complex matter than even after years of experience, people still have not found the correct formula to determine how relationships function. We constantly hear about all the different types of people getting and relationships, and then breaking up and moving on within minutes (Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries anyone?) or giving the relationship another try only to face the same challenges and fail once again. It seems like the challenge is not to form relationships with people, but rather how to sustain them. In the novel Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, this is a challenge that Jane and Rochester must face through the trials and tribulations of their own relationship. So one may ask, what constitutes a secure, sustainable relationship? The truth is, relationships are established by the people who are in them. As absurd as this sounds, people tend to forget that relationships aren't just established through our feelings, but they are established through how we accept our partners history. Humans are social creatures, we all come from different back grounds and grow up with different values, beliefs and traditions. Our backgrounds are what determines how our relationships play out.
Our social lives are all contingent upon how we are brought up. The experiences from childhood affect how we relate to those around us starting with culture. The culture in which a child grows up within greatly impacts how they interact with those around them. Those raised in families with great turmoil or instability tend to grow up to form very insecure attachment styles. They become shrewd and distrusting of those around them, thus developing

unsuccessful relationships. Those with stable households, good influences (in the form of adult guidance, religion, etc.) will learn to be much more social and understanding of those around them, thus they go on to form more secure, long lasting relationships with those around them.
Even more important than culture is the presence of parents/guardians during childhood. Presence not only means having parents around, but presence is also defined by the parenting styles used when raising children. Parenting styles effect how children develop and the kinds of people they associate with. There are 4 main types of parenting styles: permissive, authoritarian, neglectful and authoritative.
Parents with permissive attachment styles let their children conduct however they want. They may resist their child's whims at first, but eventually give in and allow them to do whatever they want. When this happens, children are prone to subjecting themselves towards risky behaviors that could involve drug use/addiction, violence, gang involvement etc. When these risky behaviors occur, humans begin to shell themselves in, developing insecurities that do not allow them to form secure relationships (both romantic and friendly) that will thrive.
Parents who have an authoritarian attachment style with their children must have complete control over their children. Rather than teaching right from wrong, they install into their children how to act, what to do and what to pursue. Anything less than achieving the parents goals may lead to them berating the child, sometimes even beating them. This type of upbringing can lead to children with severe insecurity, even depression. Once out of their

parents influence, these children tend to "break loose" and conduct in all types of activities that normally would be frowned upon: unsafe sex, drugs, not studying, alcohol, etc. These in turn create insecurities within these children that cause them to go towards people who are controlling, and when this happens, they establish insecure relationships that do not last.
Some children end up having neglectful parents. These parents are often missing in their children's lives, having no control or impact on them. Children quickly learn to be