How does a son tell his mom that he is not enjoying his life anymore and been having terrible thoughts the past 4 months and been trying to end that joyless life and failed in the subtle attempts, like water poisoning and malnutrition …I have been thinking about this since senior year and the last few months has been me trying to ruin what I have, like my school and my health so it will be that much easier in the end ….. I planned the 21 January as the day I was going to silence all the horrible thoughts and ideas that have been in my mind, like how I can’t accept myself as a boy who wants to be married one day and only sexually attracted to boys. And how I can’t be in a house where I’m always compared to everybody to be the best and to be perfect …I’M NOT. And being ranked in the family as the kid who is going far in life but no one knows that he is being pressured into being straight and perfect and smart and normal …..But everybody calls me weird, a spaz, and pushes me to do what they want ….And I don’t want to be labeled in this world as gay or a fag or be treated as a tool like being forced to try something you’re not supposed to or to take a big step like go to college when I tried to talked to you about my unhappiness not even 3 months before that decision …. I had the plan to take the gun from the cabinet and on that date end it when I left … but yesterday night when this was going through my head and I was finalizing the plan I started to cry when I thought that I