THE PAIN PERIOD….A TEST OF FAITH

You think I judge you but your wrong…..its hard to judge those you know so well….
I also see you judging me back because you think I am judging you.
Wrong again….
How do I know this?
From what you say….
Insecurities are the easiest to detect in conversation….
How do I know this?
Because it breaks the vibe…..
Watch the reaction of someone who didn’t finish high school when you start talking about your Harvard education……
Or watch the reaction of of a person who doesn’t get laid when you talk about getting laid…..

This is not to say I don’t have my own insecurities….
They’re as easy to point out as anyones.
Most of the time they come in the form of explanations on the fly for certain things I know I am doing but don’t like. Not all explanations though, sometimes we have to do that, but the unnecessary ones are what I’m addressing….(did you catch that one? For the purpose of this letter that one was necessary.)….there is exceptions to every generalization…..
Sort of a covert explanation to ease whatever tension caused by those things that I am trying to figure out….
I attempt to explain them because I guess I figured it would do two things… set an example for admitting your mistakes and opening the door towards doing something about it by recognizing it…….
Helping other people understand what is happening so that they will be more empathetic to it and thus aiding in the process…..

I was wrong….

Everytime I do this instead of people being empathetic they judge me for it….
They take this as an opportunity to knock me down a couple of notches so that they’re insecurities seem less valid. Making an effort to be more concious of my shortcomings by acknowledging them verbally I actually reinforce them in a way based on the judgments, labels, interpretations and comparisons that other people are conditioned to have. By trying to explain it I almost confirm it.
…….almost……..

This then creates a false identity of me in the eyes of others.
I give them the wrong idea…..
Because I am trying to improve and fix certain parts of my personality by bringing them out in the open, I am judged as flawed or inferior even though the flaws I am trying to address, are often less than that of the judge.

An imprint of expected behaviour arises and draws influence whenever the encounter is reignited, expanding if such a cycle continues. On the other side of the spectrum given that you ignore the imprint while replacing it with favourable behavior that is no longer congruent with the initial judgement in question, it's credibility becomes less and less valid with each progressive encounter until the impression no longer exists. This is sometimes very hard to do when a significant number of people expect a certain line of behavior from you that they regard as "you". Which is why the absence of judgement is so important..... in other words.....judgement restricts behaviour.

Why can’t we all just be open to seeing that the way we do things, in whatever way, are not always the best way to do them…..and be open to new ways that if adopted can change our lives for the better and make it easier on everyone. Why is it so tough to question our own methods or ever think that there might be an easier and better way to go about things?

Because we make it a part of our identity….we make it who we are….because we have invested so much time and energy into these habits and methods