Yes, your writing is good. But it's a big step to go on and write in a way that sounds natural.
I'm going to suggest a few small but necessary corrections to just your first paragraph.
Then I'll rewrite it in what seems to me a more natural way.
If you expose yourself as much as possible to good English, you will find you get a feeling for what sounds natural.
I'm a bit worried that I may start to discourage you. I don't intend to. Consider that there are native speakers who can not write essays well at all.
Each society consist of members some of whom are simply coexisting with others, while some others make a contribution to the society's development. Some of these contributors are saliently distinguished against the background of the general mass of the people the society benefits from. Each of these individuals is usually highly reverent revered by a particular group of people that was appreciably affected by the activity of this personality. It is a natural desire of a group to somehow express their respect to such a person, to leave a record of their one's you can't use 'one' in this grammatical context deeds for the history and to designate a model next generations of community members should aspire to for. One of the ways to do it is to set up a monument or statue that will depict a prominent person and somehow describe one's their achievements. To deserve a monument or a statue, a person should accomplish something really outstanding and significant for the city, the country, or the whole world.
