Personal Reflection

A lot so far has been really enlightening and interesting in the chapters, but one thing that stood out to me and something that I actually went back to a couple times to read over again was Freud’s Defense Mechanisms Theory. I myself have struggled psychologically and still have so many curiosities about myself, my brain, and psychology itself. I thought I took this class because I was interested in the brain and abnormalities in people and things of that sort of stuff. But after learning about the defense mechanisms, I changed that thought; now, I think I may have taken this class for more than one reason, and that I just didn't realize it because it was hiding under the water of my consciousness like the bottom of an iceberg. I always have wanted to know why; mostly why I do certain things, but sometimes why others do things as well. I knew there was something more, something deeper, than the average bully just being mean because he actually enjoyed it.When we came across the part about the mechanisms I actually felt a tiny bit relieved. It was like I had unlocked a secret to how my brain and self really is. I felt that I could personally relate to almost all five of the mechanisms. I believe that your subconscious is the true hidden you, and your conscious is the mirrored self that has to be subjected to all the pulp fiction the world throws at you; agreeing with Freud’s iceberg theory. Sometimes a thought of something strange happening to me when I was younger passes through my train of thought, but then I think to myself that really can not be true and maybe me watching an obscene amount of Criminal Minds and Law and Order episodes has finally gotten to me. Another part of me thought that maybe it wasn't just a fictitious idea I concocted, and thought I could be repressing the memory. I still do not know for sure and I may never know; I am not worried about it though because I believe I may have a history of making up things and somehow making myself believe them (that is also just an idea of mine, I was never professionally diagnosed as being any kind of liar or anything of the sort.) I realized that I project onto others too. Thinking back, I can recall a few times when I would criticize people who would talk about someone behind their back and be really against it, but at the same time I would be the one talking behind someones back. I have been called a hypocrite a few times, and by someone who meant a lot to me. I hated when I was called that, and it only made me more angry and lash out toward the person more. Now, I realized that I was becoming more hysterical because deep down I knew that what I was saying or doing was hypocritical, but hearing it come from someone else's lips I couldn't bear or admit it. I know for a fact that I am also guilty of displacement. I displace my anger so much I could almost say it was on a daily basis. I have a very complicated relationship with my boyfriend, and not the closest relationship with my family; which makes my situation very hard and puts a lot of stress and guilt on me. I get angry at my boyfriend a lot, and when I say a lot I mean at least two or three times a week we will have a little argument. I know it’s unhealthy and everything and that I should get out of it and trust me I have tried, but it’s easier said than done. Anyway, I often take out my anger that I have towards him, out on my mom and or sister. I don’t have anyone else to yell at though or any way to get my anger out because I don’t do a sport or have a hobby really. I always feel guilty and bad the moment after I take out my anger on someone who doesn't deserve it, but i’m so stubborn and usually still mad that I never actually apologize even though I know I should;