SOMETHING HAPPY

Don't write about boys.
Don't write when you're sad.
Write about gardens and summer,
Write about buzzing bees and big smiles,
Write about anything:
Just don't write about boys

Just write about something happy:
Like roller coasters.
Write about the wind blowing through your hair.
The weightless feeling you get when you do a turn.
The pressure of your stomach hiding in your throat.
About my spinning and rushing adrenalin.

Just write about something happy:
Like the beach.
Write about the sand between your toes.
The feeling of the sun cooking you to a golden brown.
The salt water air flooding your lungs.
About the smiles and giggles spotted between light hearted splashes.

Write about something happy:
Just don't write about boys

Ryan

I can still remember the first words you said to me,
The first months of talking to you,
The growing friendship,
The jokes, the laughing.

Friendship turning into talking all night.
Everyday every night seeing or taking to you

You became my everything
The days when you were gone
My life seemed empty

I remember our late night phone calls,
You being there for everything
For helping me through my pain
Telling I'm worth living for
I remember

I remember the Heart beats and that giddy feeling,
The Blushing cheeks burn then my stomach starts to churn
As Fidgeting fingers fumble in my lap
Waiting and wanting to hold your hand.

Butterflies, flips and fireworks do no justice.
No justice to this feeling
Its warm and welcome yet filling me fear
It's Spinning, gut wrenching, Nerve racking
It's hard to breath
Impossible to think

Teeth press hard into my lip
As I look to the drivers side of the car,
Just this once a glance and a swoon seem to act as one
As pulse races to keep up my brain.

Thoughts racing past far to fast,
Thoughts of smiles
Of laughter, Of lips, Of love
Thoughts too often of you

Thoughts of tears,
Of loss, of worry, of shame
Thoughts too often of you.

He's your best friend
Don't risk this

Your safety net
Don't risk this

Your everything
Don't risk it

Throat closing
I can't stop the words

Ryan, I think I'm in love with you

My eyes welling up
Time stops
His face goes blank

Heart beat pounding as he starts to talk,

"I'm sorry

God

I'm so sorry"

The space between us grows
Inches feel like feet

"I'm sorry "

Salt water starts to swell
As the emptiness spreads

"I love you, and always will
As a friend
Like a sister"

"Just not in that way "

The knife in my soul starts to turn,
The hole inside me rips wider and wider,

Please
Just drive me home

Please
I need to get home

Tears stream and burn streaks onto my face. "I'm so sorry "

Hours
Days
Weeks
No talk, no text, no call

So far apart the distance of inches
Become as wide as complete universes

Nothing like lossing it all.
That Friendship, trust, and happiness
That Love

Fake a smile,
Force a laugh,
Act like nothing's changed

Make a polite hello,
Like talking to a stranger,
Small talk holding back tears,
Stomach dropping as he says her name

Sitting in class becomes torture
The looks they exchange
Pinging in my heart
That used to be me

Passing notes and cracking jokes
That used to be me

Nothing is left as the last piece is taken,
Completely empty
Destroyed

"I'm sorry" that's all that is left.

Pretend to be friends
For the sake of my friends,
Pounding in my heart,

The love that once heated my whole body
Has become a black hole
Pulling and sucking out of what remains of my human emotion

Empty hollow and constant pain
Depression sinking
Already dead inside
The emptiness now becomes my closest friend,

Seeing you hold hands,
Watching her giggle and look at you
That way that I do
That way that shows you are everything
I'm sorry

The sight still stabs me
Cuts out my heart
Fills