I can’t picture the last time I saw him because I didn’t know then that I’d need to.
That’s the damn thing about death, not knowing you’re going to lose them till they’re gone.
His eyes. His smile. His warmth. Cheeks rose-coloured in winter and peony in winter. You’d have liked him. You’ve never seen a kid so happy in your whole life. His wispy hair curling at the ends, his eyes almond brown, like chocolate whirlpools.
I miss him. Damn, I miss him.
Screaming; screaming; screaming. Every scream piercing the metallic garage wrenches from my throat. A throat which will never fully function again without him...without Allie. A throat that will crystallise until it closes up altogether, only a sliver of air escaping to let me breathe; I am not breathing now...I am drowning. Drowning in a sea of hurt. A vault of anger. Of betrayal.
Pain.
Rage flows through me, coursing through my veins like winter rivers. Bruises form on my skin, my hands, neck. “Allie” I cry, straining for an answer, and then there is silence, deafening except for the faint tinkling of shattering glass. Blood drips steadily from my porcelain fingers, he never liked blood but I don’t seem to notice, letting it trickle down my arms till it gathers in scarlet pools. Sadness engulfs me, a damn tidal wave destroying entire cities, wiping out homes. Wiping out me. I fall to the floor, my head grasped by fractured hands, my heart hammering. Slowly tears stream down my face like raindrops.
Allie, my precious Allie. Already my goddam memory of him begins to fade, the image becoming hazy, blurred by my tears. I struggle to find his face, his smile. Did it hurt? Was he in any pain? I can’t bear to think of him hurting, old Allie. Everything feels so damn different without him.
His moonlit skin speckled with freckle stars; constellations I can no longer fathom, hair the shade of autumnal leaves scattered on the cobbled streets, crimson, maroon, burgundy. Allie’s smile, the crinkle of his eyes when he smiled. You’d have liked him. I know you’d have liked him, you never saw a kid so goddam brave.
Shattered glass encrusts the floor, windows rattling in the velvet moonlight; I want to be here alone. My hands etched with cuts, drenched in blood. You see, I am drowning in sadness, only a gaping hole where my heart should be.
Why were you taken from us Allie? Why were you taken from me?
All that stuff they teach us at mass, about a God, a heaven. God’s a goddam phony.
The cancer took you Allie, mutating you, spreading uncontrollably through you. I’d like to talk to someone...but I can’t...can’t find the words, can’t even find the breath. I’m angry at you Allie, at the world. Why did you leave me? Why couldn’t you have fought harder? You’re a damn phony too Allie. A goddam selfish phony bastard.
I shouldn’t say that...shouldn’t think like that. But you are. Yes, you are a selfish phony.
The voices in my head swirl, whipping into a cyclone. I need it to stop, need a release, something to end this vortex storm. Please, please, please, let it stop.
My fist connects. Earth shatters.
Then it is black.

It’s not that much fun you know, being like this.
It’s not all