When I Came Out

I was the girl, who was afraid to be myself and worried too much about what others thought about me. I always pretended to be someone who I wasn’t rather than be who I am because that’s how people liked me. I tried to be myself but students at my school disliked me. People always told me to be myself but, instead judged me. My name is Jasmine Bonds but, also known as ‘Jas’ to my friends. Not only could I not be myself at school but, also at my own household. I lived with my father, step-mother, my two older twin sisters; Helen and Breana who were twenty, and my three-year-old brother; Joey. Only Helen knew my secret at the time that I was gay because I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone, I trust her with everything. Breana had too much of a big mouth to tell her anything and as for Joey, he was too young to understand. My dad is very Catholic and doesn’t believe in same sex being together or getting married, which made me very worried and frightened to mention it to him. It wasn’t just that I was afraid to tell him or anyone, it was, I was ashamed to be a lesbian and wished I was straight. In my sophomore year (I was now a senior), I started noticing that I was becoming interested in girls. I went from saying, “I wish I was her” or “I wish I looked like her” to “I would date her.” At first, I thought I thought it was just a phase that I was going through. I thought to myself…
I can’t like girls, I’m straight.
There was a never ending battle going on in my head. I became depressed and started to harm myself. It was winter than, so all my marks I had made on myself were hidden by my long sleeves. A few months later, I came to realization that I actually do like girls and also stopped harming myself. Even though I told my sister that I was gay, it killed me that I was ashamed and scared to tell anyone else. The guilt ate me alive whenever someone would ask me what guy I was into or when my dad or step-mother would give me pointers on what guys to date or what type not to date. I would just nod my head in agreement and would always want to tell them I don’t like guys, I like girls but, I always ended up not finding the words to come out of my mouth. I would always assume the worst of what could happen than the positive. I gave in and decided to tell the one close friend I do have; Jillian. Out of all the people I was supposedly friends with, I trusted Jillian with my whole life. I dialed her number and waited impatiently while hearing the ringing through the phone. Finally, she picked up,
“Hello?”
“C-can y-you come over?” I said stuttering like an idiot.
“Yeah of course Jas, I’ll be there in 5,” she said in a worried tone.
I hung up the phone and sat on my bed nervously and anxiously. I didn’t know why I was afraid to tell her since I tell her everything in my life, she was more like a sister and my parents even treated her like she was their own. My siblings also treated her like she was their sister too, everyone adored her. I just hoped she doesn’t turn her back on me. Suddenly I heard Jillian scream my name and the door making a big bang, making me interrupt my train of thought. Jillian never ranged the doorbell; she just walks in like it’s her own house, which made me laugh each time. “In my room!” I yelled back at her. I than heard her running up the stairs which you would of thought there were elephants running up since how loud she was. Finally she reached my room and gave me a big bear hug. She sat across from me on my bed and asked what was wrong since I sounded worried on the phone. I took a deep breath before telling her and told her I hope this won’t change anything about our friendship. She looked at me with confusion written all over her face but, nodded as for me to continue. I told her that I was gay and immediately looked down playing with my fingers, afraid to look up to see her face expression. She started to giggle and I looked up at her confused and asked her what was